NOFRENCHTESTS

i’m terrible in bed.

nofrenchtests — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 13:05:01 +0000

It has been an interesting three days. This will be really short, I couldn’t just leave it out. I always write about the serious shit in my life, so here is my attempt at being lighthearted. I met someone who fucks with me at chess & makes me smile with her attention. I forgot how much I enjoyed cooking for other people and hanging with good humans. Fuck the haters, fuck it if this doesn’t last. I am so fucking happy right now. This is what I’ve been waiting for.

Chan Marshall Can’t Dance (and neither can newcastle)

nofrenchtests — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 17:23:14 +0000

I went to see Cat Power perform at Panthers (IRONY!1)last night. I am almost speechless at getting to see my musical crush play
less than three meters away from me. The room was curtained off to make it an intimate event and it was surprisingly packed out – I’ve never seen anyone
of her calibre, perform in a venue of that type before (Panthers is a perfect venue for large rock show performances.) and it was pulled off , to the credit
of the organisers. She started late and was clearly her well documented, nervous, self .
But after a few songs and the realisation she was completely worshipped by the audience, her true soul and enthusiam shone through . Her voice can only be described as that of a 50-year-old smoker/whiskey drinker, covered in layers of smooth caramel. She sings with an old weathered heart, but there are no cracks, faults or mistakes.

I am not familiar with her entire back catalogue but I recognised a fair few songs: A cover of Lilac Wine that did justice to all
other versions, Metal Heart from her Moon Pix album and my number one song of all time, The Greatest – performed in a way that I would
never have expected to hear, faster tempo – staggered lyrics. It was amazing. I had my fingers crossed for Free, but who could complain ?

At one point I was standing by myself off to the side (as there was surprisingly few people around stage left, giving me a clear view of the stage.) completely
hypnotised and she noticed me enough to get the classic point and ‘and you’ while she was singing. I’m not even making this up*. I think I almost died,
My first fangirl moment ever.

You can kill me now, because I don’t think I could bear to forget the moment.
Chan Marshall is perfection.

*was just informed that Dylan saw it and hates me for it haha.

white knight syndrome (draft extract part 2)

nofrenchtests — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 08:33:55 +0000

The first time I saw this girl, she reminded me of a Greek Goddess. She hated me for
years due to my arrogance, that however is a drinking story. After many confrontations, we ended up becoming
best friends. For days on end we used to pass notes to each other, trying to find that common element.
After a few months I had to leave the school – the maths department wanted me to prove, aside
from the tests I could pass with flying colours, that I could show all the work. It was leave or an automatic failure.
The place I went to was the worst. Cowboys and surfer bums, but I learnt a lot from the good people there.
I had been gone for so long from the school that I had to find out at a party – the girl I cared so much for, had been
found in the girls toilets, cut to pieces. She did it to herself. I didn’t understand & still don’t know why.
Some lives are too much to bear, I guess. The night of that party was the first night I ever cut into my skin, to remind
myself not to forget.Three letters. The faintest scars remain, but the thought has never faded. I emulated everything that I thought was a coping
mechanism from a previous girlfriend, the exotic realms of self-inflicted pain. It never occurred that this was an
inappropriate response, that this was an unwarranted respone.I visited her in hospital a few times. I’ve spent far too long in hospitals, with my three closest.
When they feel forgotten, unwelcome or used, this is where you will find them.
It was many months later, but we ended up dating after one New Years Eve, kissing through a fence on the beach.
The relationship was beautiful and savage. She was the first to teach me about the concepts of give and take, about interacting in a
relationship and how to exist in the space of someone else. I learnt a great deal and saw much of the world with her,
literally. Salzburg(Altstadt/Neustadt), Châtel and München, will always be dear to my heart.
We parted ways on a New Years Eve, the same day we had started. Bitterness consumed the way we felt
towards each other & rivalled the passion we had once held so dear.We fought and hard. It took years to get where we are now, but after much reflection
I know it was all my fault. The cage we had made for ourselves, broke and with that gone, all that I had left was suffering and loss
to share with her. It was unfair, I still had not learnt anything. Today She is my confidant, the one I hold above all others. My closest friend.

White Knight Syndrome (draft extract)

nofrenchtests — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 19:03:25 +0000

Brett is making me write a book..Don’t ask. He thinks I am crazy, So he is going to make me
write a book and then put it into perspective for me.

Love is too complicated for me to explain in an introduction, instead I will start with a girl who was
innocent – until she met me.It took a relatively short period of time, but she became the strongest person
I had ever come across.Stronger than anyone, to this day, that I have ever met. To start with, the only way I can explain
her innocence properly, is to tell you that she had the shine in her eyes, the kind that makes the night sky
pale by comparison, as much of a cliché, as it is.That light shone so brightly and I was so ignorant.
There is plenty of history to explain, but it feels illogical to deviate.
I felt love for someone else that could never be explained. I admired her. I worshipped her. In the end
it was these feelings that destroyed me and made me unworthy of the strength that she had gained.
She was the first to hit the grindstone and for that, the stars in her eyes, disappeared.

She was beautiful in ways that I still can not fathom. Her laughter stung like arrows. Her better senses
made her burn. Her better judgement, froze her over. Her style was unique, her art – perfect. She was
gifted and truly excelled at all of her crafts. That is enough about her though, she will already know
who this is about and I hope that she is smiling.

She understood love implicitly, it made her stronger. It made me jealous, bitter and jaded.
She was the first piece and always will be. I wanted to be like her.
I wanted to be strong for the world to see.

so apparently i am an aspie.

nofrenchtests — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 17:31:33 +0000

Your Aspie score: 147 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 97 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

I also discovered that I am of the personality type ISTP in the Myers-Brigg test.

ISTPs are equally difficult to understand in their need for personal space, which in turn has an impact on their relationships with others. They need to be able to “spread out”–both physically and psychologically–which generally implies encroaching to some degree on others, especially if they decide that something of someone else’s is going to become their next project. (They are generally quite comfortable, however, with being treated the same way they treat others–at least in this respect.) But because they need such a lot of flexibility to be as spontaneous as they feel they must be, they tend to become as inflexible as the most rigid J when someone seems to be threatening their lifestyle (although they usually respond with a classic SP rage which is yet another vivid contrast to their “dormant,” impassive, detached mode). These territorial considerations are usually critical in relationships with ISTPs; communication also tends to be a key issue, since they generally express themselves non-verbally. When they do actually verbalize, ISTPs are masters of the one-liner, often showing flashes of humor in the most tense situations; this can result in their being seen as thick-skinned or tasteless.

from http://typelogic.com/istp.html

Probably the most accurate reading I have ever gotten of myself.

how high (a word of support to my friends)

nofrenchtests — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 18:17:02 +0000

If you knew me, or anything about me, you would know that I am a stoner.I’ve been smoking, cultivating or selling herb for years. (Does an admission of past acts hold up in court? LAWL) I’ve been smoking since I was 17, by my own account, I self medicate. When I was about 15-16 I was trying to understand some things about the world that just didn’t make any sense.
Suicide. Self Mutilation. Drugs. Parties. People. Relationships.Women.

My path to understanding was no straight line. It has taken years of practice, dedication and reflection. But I digress. I was misdiagnosed with ‘depression’ and started on medication. I believe it was Fluvoxamine. Yep, just googled it,
that was the one. After about a month of being on Fluvoxamine I started to become manic. Like really manic.I was practically suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder. The doctor’s solution was not counselling or to stop taking the medication, no…nope. They put me on mood stabilizers. Any awesome little tablet for epilepsy called Epilim. These tablets killed all sense of self. I couldn’t feel. ANYTHING. I felt so fucking isolated from myself. So I stopped.

Around this time is when the parties, drugs and wild girlfriends started.

I couldn’t deal with most of the feelings I had, due to the plain fact of never learning emotional mechanisms or how to deal with bad situations.

Then I moved out of home. At the age of 17. I don’t even remember why I left. (Oh..Did I mention the part about me having no real long-term memories ?) I moved in with a friend and that is when the ball really got rolling.
I was going to TAFE at the time, trying to complete a year 12 equivalency course to get into University, whilst the friend that I was living with was doing a basic IT course, at the same institution. This turned out to be disaster.
We had our own dealers. Our own systems. Our own fucking lives.I was caught up in the lifestyle of a borderline criminal.

After a while of living on the couch, retardedly high for weeks on end – I was ecstatic to learn that my dealer had a spare room to rent in the house he was planning on moving in to. This caused drama, straight away.
I was seen as a dog for stealing the dealer.

The short version is: I lived there, lost contact with all of my boys, started singing in a shitty screamo band, became converted(to Christianity by my band mate and a Hawaiian guy named Eddie.) started dating a lovely blonde, learnt how to be a wheelman, ruined the day of my friends fathers funeral and proceeded to not have a fucking clue about anything.
Also, I ended up with a whole bunch of shitty jail-style tattoos, courtesy of my dealer’s brother – who learnt off of a former Cessnock con.

And that is only the beginning.
Skip to 2009.

Myself and about 4 other friends have decided, individually, enough is enough for us.
We live ridiculous lives, with no consistency, no structure and no personal
strength. We have lived weak, but comfortable, lives. Time to get our shit together.

There are nights we wont sleep. Days we don’t move.Meals we can’t stand and emotions we can’t fathom. The hardest part is not giving in. We have been addicted to the a life of numbness. Every day is a new challenge of finding a way
of coping before paralysis, anxiety, boredom, fear & hate set in. We are not bad people. We are just lost.

I really wanted to write this as encouragement to my friends.Encouragement for myself. But we don’t need it.We need your patience. We are young again. We are learning. To my friends – I love you and be strong.

Seven Years and A Stripper

nofrenchtests — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 10:56:29 +0000

I spent a good couple of hours this morning, in an insomniatic haze,
catching up with a very quirky ex of mine.
We hadn’t spoken in years, but she still remembers my lips.

All of my friends had made passes at her over the years
and I had been known to lose my shit, frequently, about it.
(she was not the first, nor the last.)
However the sentiment was expressed that I was the only
one she ever dated, despite all other claims to the contrary.
I don’t know if that kind of statement would mean anything,
to anyone else but me. But it was comforting to know that we
still had something, that they never got. I’m so used to exacting
revenge on my friends who have gone after my exes, that it never
occured to me – maybe I was good enough to be remembered.

The conversation floated around about many different topics
her new found job as a stripper, our extreme distaste towards
poorly chosen sexual partners, our mutual agreement on
the fact that STD’s should never (ok, maybe they should for
the scare factor) be looked at on the internet and that, as a
sociological scientist – whatever little experiments she had
used to provoke reactions from me in the past – were all
valid experiments to learn about life.

It was a nice conversation, the kind you have after
you are done fucking each other, between the sheets.
We caught up on each others lives & discussed current
oppinion until 9am.

I have a new found respect for her and her attitudes
that, seven years ago, I would not have understood
in the slightest. She is a very intelligent woman and
I am glad that she has uses her body, to take advantage
of hard up (lit.) men.

Not to make a point of bragging either,
but she is not the only overly intelligent dancer that
I count as a friend.I respect these two girls more than
most people in my life. It takes fucking nerves
of steel to do their job, but they do it well and they do not complain.
They are professional, intellectual, stunning human beings.
And I can’t help loving them for it.

Watch your wallets boys, these women are smarter than you.

scene kid love

nofrenchtests — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 17:22:34 +0000

THIS IS MY FINAL BLOG
SCENEY IS DED
AND I HAVE NO REESON TO LIVE
TONIGHT, I TAKE MY OWN LIFE.

Possibly the funniest webisode ‘drama’ I have ever seen. 12 episodes of pure gold.
I don’t even think that scene kid jokes are that funny – but this just has too much
going for it ! And I totally would hit that! Ep11.Sceney Momable after the surgery.
DAMNNNNN!

UPDATE: I just discovered that ‘Sceney’ is actually a pretty damned
funny character actress/comedian named Stevie Ryan, she is a total fucking babe and funny as hell!

YOUTUBE THAT SHIT!

Updated:Ukichiro’s Snowflakes

nofrenchtests — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:56:01 +0000

Ukichirō Nakaya (中谷宇吉郎 , Nakaya Ukichirō^?, July 4, 1900–April 11, 1962) was a Japanese physicist and science essayist known for his work in glaciology and low-temperature sciences. He is credited with making the first artificial snowflakes.

VIDEOLINK
WordPress won’t let me link Vimeo movies.
But you should definitely click through.

So the BBC are assholes and have pulled the clip
off vimeo. So well. Thanks BBC you just made this
blog redudant you FUCKING PRICKS !

Instead all I can do is show you some pretty pictures
of what he did – growing the worlds first artificial
snowflake on a rabbit hair. It was a beautiful clip
filmed in black and white, that showed the almost
childlike persistance of Ukichiro to study and attempt
to create snowflakes.
It might seem a little ‘off in the clouds’ ,
but Ukichiro did it first and the contributions he made
to science were numerous & invaluable.

You can’t say I am a total Grinch.

I’d probably marry Chelsea ‘Cjay’ Jones

nofrenchtests — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 13:57:44 +0000

So after an accidental add on facebook I ended up talking
to one awesome babe of a good human – who also happens
to be a fucking badass artist. May I introduce:
Cjay the Conqueror.

Some of her work(ten parts sexy pop art to a billion parts awesome!!)

Oh and she just happened to render my badass self into one
of her designs. Fuck. I’m a little bit in love hey!

Chels wants to make them into shirts. So as soon as I find out
where to get one. I’m going to take my ego to a whole new level.

More of her work can be found here.

(UPDATE: T-shirts can be found here.)